


Smudged

by TrekFaerie



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Memory Loss, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 02:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3157904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekFaerie/pseuds/TrekFaerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can hurt to remember, or forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smudged

**Author's Note:**

> From my own interpretation of this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzWGSBJowqA

"Y'know who that mountain looks like?"

Sera, Krem, and Cole were sitting with their legs dangling off the battlements, drinking warm beer and watching the first snow of the winter fall.

(Well, honestly, it had just been Sera and Krem, but Cole had wandered over in that silent and tentative way of his, and though Sera had wanted to yell at him to leave, Krem had shushed her and let the kid stay.)

(He always thought of him as a kid, even though they were physically about the same age. Even though spirits were ageless.)

Krem squinted. "It looks like a mountain," he said with a shrug.

"That's just 'cause you're an uncreative clod," she said, affectionately. "If you're clever, like I am, you can see it looks just like Solas."

"Oh." He squinted harder. "It's rounder than the other mountains."

"And it's the only one without any snow on top!"

They laughed, but, as usual, Cole ruined the moment.

"Who's Solas?"

Sera scoffed, not noticing the concerned expression on Krem's face. "C'mon, Creepy, you ought to remember him better than anyone!" she said. "You two were best friends! It was disgusting."

"I've never had a friend named Solas," he said, though he didn't sound very confident about it.

"Cole, when you went to the Fallow Mire with the Inquisitor," Krem said, patiently, "who else was with you?"

"Dorian and The Iron Bull."

A beat.

" _And_?"

"And..."

They could see it start, but it was too late to stop it. Cole was completely still, staring forward with blank eyes, his lower lip quivering.

Sera leaned towards him and waved her hand in front of his face. No reaction. "Krem! You broke him!"

"How was I supposed to know he'd get like this?"

"Should we... Y'know, do something?"

"Do what? 

They looked at each other, and then at him. Then back at each other.

-

The next morning, Deandre Lavellan woke up to find Cole asleep in the corner of her bedroom, wrapped in a blanket, with a note on his chest.

_INKY we broke him were so sorry fix him_

_\- sera n krem_

(There was a picture of Cole, with large X's for eyes and his tongue lolling out. Next to it was a pretty anatomically correct sketch of a penis.)

She sighed, shook her head, and turned her attentions towards Cole. She kneeled next to him and gave his shoulder a gentle shake. "Hey, Cole," she said. "Wake up, lethallin."

Cole's eyes snapped open. He always woke so quickly, as if unwilling to stay in the Fade for longer than was absolutely necessary. "Why am I here?" he asked. "Where's Sera and Krem?"

"They seem to have left you here. They claimed they'd broken you." She gave him a fond smile and ruffled his hair. "But, you don't look very broken to me."

His brow furrowed. "I remember why," he said. "Deandre, who is Solas?"

Her blood turned to ice in her veins.

She'd been waiting for that question. She'd been waiting ever since the incident in the tavern, where she'd watched Cole's eyes glaze over then turn back, normal-looking but clearly not. She knew Cole didn't know who Solas was anymore; Solas had taken those memories from him.

She almost envied him.

"He was a person," she said, already knowing that such a bland explanation wouldn't satisfy him. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because... Because he's supposed to be there! I know he is! I don't know who he was, but there's... places where something should be but isn't!" He threaded his fingers through his hair. "It's wrong! It hurts to think about it, but I can't ignore it!"

She took his hands between her own, brought them to her lips, kissed them. "Did he make you forget?" she asked. "Does it feel like forgetting?"

"No. When I make people forget, I fill the gap I leave behind. I fill it with empty space, but it's still full. Here, there's just... A smudge on my memory. Like someone ran their thumb through fresh paint on a mural." He looks at her, misery and anguish in his eyes. "If someone tried to make me forget, they didn't do it right!"

She cursed Solas under her breath. "I'm sorry you're hurting, Cole," she said. "If there's anything I can do..."

"Tell me. Tell me about him. If I can remember him, just a little... Maybe it'll hurt less."

She took a deep breath. Oh, the things she wanted to tell him. The things she wanted to say. She wanted to take the hole Solas had left in him and fill it with the bitterness and hate he'd left in her.

_Solas is a liar._

_Solas is selfish._

_Solas is cruel._

_Solas is the most evil man to walk this planet._

But, the Solas in her heart wasn't the Solas in her memory. And that was the Solas Cole was trying so hard to remember.

"Solas... He was tall. Taller than most elves, anyway. He was pale, and had no hair on his head. His eyes were small, compared to the rest of his features. And he dressed very plainly. He shouldn't have been a very remarkable man."

"Was he?"

"Yes. He was remarkable."

She swallowed, but found her mouth dry. She stood and went to get a glass of water from the pitcher on her bedside table. She was pouring when she felt arms wrap around her middle.

"It hurts you to remember," he said into her hair.

She sighed and leaned back into his embrace. "Not as much as it hurts you to forget," she said. "I'll live."

The sun rose and set on them, and still they stayed there, laid out on her bed, Deandre recounting every memory she could of Solas while Cole listened, asked questions, took it all in. Several people stopped by the room during the day-- Cassandra, one of Leliana's people, Varric, Sera and Krem-- but they all left without disturbing the conversation. The stars were high in the sky by the time they finished.

"And now he's gone," she said. The dried tears on her face itched, but she couldn't bring herself to wipe them away.

The rough cloth of Cole's sleeve gently touched her face. "You loved him," he said, simply.

"I did."

"He loved you too, I think."

"If he loved me, would he have left me?"

"He must have his reasons."

"The Dread Wolf take his damned reasons! He--"

The spark of fury died on her tongue. She sighed and pressed her palms onto her eyes.

"Well, I hope this did help you, if only a little," she said. "Did it help?"

"A little. It's still a smudge, but... You can almost make it out, now. You can tell that a person was there, once, even if they're not really there."

"Does it still hurt?"

"No. It hurts differently, now."

She smiled wryly. "I know just the feeling."


End file.
